Since the Golden Globes don’t mean much towards the Oscars, and they are actually kind of a sham (last year, “Burlesque” was nominated after some actions that most people would consider to be corrupt), I will not spend too much time analyzing who will win and why. The Globes are a fun night to watch everyone in Hollywood get drunk and compliment each other. However, with Ricky Gervais hosting again, another large scale takedown seems possible.

Since you probably don’t care much anyway, without much further adieu, here are my predicted winners for tonight’s Golden Globes in all of the major film categories*:

Best Picture (Drama): The Descendants Upset: The Help


Best Picture (Musical or Comedy^): The Artist Upset: Midnight in Paris


Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist) Upset: Alexander Payne (The Descendants)


Best Actor (Drama): George Clooney (The Descendants) Upset: Brad Pitt (Moneyball)


Best Actress (Drama): Viola Davis (The Help) Upset: Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)


Best Actor (Musical or Comedy): Jean Dujardin (The Artist) Upset: Owen Wilson (Midnight in Paris)


Best Actress (Musical or Comedy): Michelle Williams (My Week with Marilyn) Upset: Charlize Theron (Young Adult)


Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer (Beginners) Upset: Jonah Hill (Moneyball)


Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer (The Help) Upset: Berenice Bejo (The Artist)


Best Screenplay: The Descendants


*I have neglected to include the TV nominees, as the absence of “Breaking Bad,” “Community,” and “Parks & Recreation” lead me to believe that those categories don’t even exist this year.
^This is among the dumbest pairings of all time.