Pictured: A Sony hacker in action.

Dear America,

Hi! Hope all is well. It only happens every once in a blue moon that politics cross over with entertainment and I get to feel like a fully informed citizen of the world. The desire of a bunch of hackers to prevent America from seeing a Seth Rogen movie has done just that.

First, they hacked Sony. We saw emails that nearly ruined careers and we all looked, because we are sheep. Then, they threatened a 9/11-style attack on all movie theaters in America that decided to show The Interview. A quick word of advice to the hackers: next time you decide to threaten an entire nation, get somebody to proofread the ransom note.

While the CIA discredited that threat, movie theater owners didn’t listen, because like I said, we are sheep. Bow Tie Cinemas, a theater chain in my homeland of Connecticut, decided to pull the movie, thus ruining my Christmas plans. Then, the five biggest theaters in America, including AMC and Regal, also decided to pull the film. Well, we did it, everybody: we let the bad guys win, and all it took was a threat in broken English.

Now, I can understand why movie theaters might not want to put their staff or customers in harm’s way. Movie theaters have always been palaces of escape. They are places where we can turn off our phones and forget about the troubles of the outside world. Now where am I supposed to turn for escapism? Do you expect me to become a sports fan?

I know that North Korea is scary. Hackers are even scarier because they seem almost invincible. There are ways around this. Maybe Sony will release this on VOD. But just because there are scary people out there, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be allowed to live normal lives. Last year, I went to the Holocaust Museum in Jerusalem (I know it is kind of insane that I am bringing this up, but please bear with me). The most remarkable thing I saw there was that women who lived in the Warsaw Ghetto would go on their rooftops and sunbathe. Even when everything sucks, people will do just about anything they can to feel normal. One such example of that would be going to see a movie even though an unnamed source threatens an attack on every movie theater in America. There is a really good South Park episode about this. In fact, this whole situation is starting to resemble a South Park episode so much that I am actually starting to believe that I am now a cartoon character.

In the end, there are two ways we can look at this situation. If we want, we can imagine the hackers as a bunch of evil geniuses in a sleek, Blofeld-like underground lair somewhere underneath Pyongyang. Or, we can picture them as a bunch of ugly losers working out of a smelly basement in the outskirts of Allentown, Pennsylvania. I prefer the latter.

Sincerely,

The Reel Deal

Edit: According to Reuters, Sony has officially cancelled the December 25 release of The Interview.

For the record, this poster is awesome. Image via Screen Crush

In response to the recent trailer for Seth Rogen’s upcoming The Interview (which looks amazing), Kim Jong-un released a statement from Pyongyang condemning the film. Okay, that makes sense, as I wouldn’t like a film about my death either. Then, he went so far as to call the movie “an act of war” and that America would be in big trouble if they supported it. It is probably important to note that Seth Rogen co-directed The Interview with Evan Goldberg, and it is probably even more important to note that Rogen is actually Canadian.

Rogen responded to the statement with a statement of his own:

His response is purposefully a little cheesy, but it’s also the best thing he could have possibly said to Dennis Rodman’s BFF. Seth Rogen is a comedian, and during a bad time, a comedian’s job is not to run towards the chaos but rather to laugh in the face of it. Laughter gives power to the powerless, because even the best comedian knows that they too are defenseless in the grand scheme of things.

I am not an expert in foreign relations, but I can tell you that North Korea’s regime is one of the most frightening out there, mostly because it is shrouded in mystery. While Bin Laden would release videos of himself ranting against the western world, Kim Jong-il would simply put on a pair of sunglasses and silently smile as his million man army marched past him. Forgive me for sounding like an idiot, but constructing a joke might be the closest thing we have to figuring out life’s biggest mysteries.

Something that struck me most about Kim Jong-un’s claims is that I feel like I have heard them before. That is because, like most things in life, South Park already did it. The genius two part episode “Cartoon Wars” from over two years ago depicted a scenario in which Family Guy  was going to show Muhammad. Al-Qaeda threatened retaliation, and once the cartoon aired, this is how they fought back:

Now, when I hear Kim Jong-un issuing a huge threat, all I can imagine is this, and it makes all of the fears of a possible World War III go away. Then I can go back to living my life and look at pictures of French Bulldogs on Tumblr. It is similar to how Team America forever associated Kim Jong-il with a mispronunciation of the word “lonely.”* Sure, Kim Jong-un could act on his threats, but I doubt he would kickstart the apocalypse over a comedy starring James Franco. Recently, John Oliver said in an interview that he didn’t fear calling out dictators, because they probably don’t watch his show anyway. The former part of his statement is true, but the latter may not be. After all, men like Kim Jong-un and Bashar al-Assad may be morons, but they are also egomaniacs with too much power. I am sure they have somebody checking their Google Alerts for them.

This is exactly why we need people like Seth Rogen, John Oliver, and Matt Stone & Trey Parker. They drag these elusive figures down to a human level by showing what buffoons they truly are. Kim Jong-un probably fancies himself King Arthur, but he’s more like King Joffrey. So Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg: do not be afraid. You are not “gangster filmmakers,” but rather good men using comedy to perform a public service.

Oh, and this is probably the best free publicity that Seth Rogen could have asked for. Thanks to Kim Jong-un, The Interview will probably open number one at the box office. See? Even bad press that might lead to war can be used to increase revenue!

P.S. Kim Jong-il was famously a huge film buff who was obsessed with Hollywood movies. He even wrote a book on the subject, entitled On the Art of the Cinema, which you can buy on Amazon.

*Hey, Kim Jong-il never complained about that once. Also, Team America doesn’t get the credit that it deserves.