Happy Hanukkah! Here’s an episode I recorded back in November that never made it to air until now. I discuss why we should stop talking about Golden Ages, check in with the cast of Happy Endings, and review Zach Braff’s very Jewish, very irritating, Wish I Was Here.

Can you spot all the quirky things about this photo? Image via Hollywood Reporter

Zach Braff has only directed two films in the past ten years, yet he has somehow managed to piss everybody off. Maybe it’s time he gets out of Hollywood for a bit. Maybe he’s getting too much sun, and it’s time to go back and smell the fresh Turnpike air in New Jersey.

Braff’s latest film, Wish I Was Here, plays like a training montage of indie cliches. It’s like they just wanted to point their camera at a bunch of objects for 106 minutes and yell, “look how quirky this is! Do you feel the quirks yet? Do you?!” I could make a list of every little cliche, but that could fill up an entire review.

If you want your character to be at least remotely likable, maybe it’s a bad idea to introduce them screaming at a dog. That’s how Braff decides to introduce Aidan Bloom, a part-time actor, part-time Secular Jew stuck in Hollywood limbo. He hasn’t gotten an acting gig in a long time, as everybody likes to remind him, and the only thing holding him together is his half-Jewish wife (Kate Hudson), who slaves away at a miserable day job. We know it’s miserable because her office is shot with a green tint. Meanwhile, Aidan’s father (Mandy Patinkin) is paying to send the kids to Jewish school, but he is stricken with cancer and can no longer pay for it.

By the way, did I mention that there were Jews involved yet? I feel like Zach Braff just grabbed a “Jews for Dummies” book and wrote down whatever words he could remember. A dog named Kugel? Haha good one! I really wanted to like Wish I Was Here, because I always feel like sticking up for the films with overtly Jewish themes. However, Wish I Was Here manages to take all of the mystique surrounding Hashem and turns it into something skin deep. Think of what would happen if A Serious Man was made with the intent of being a mainstream hit.

Now, what I really loved about a film like A Serious Man is that I saw aspects of my own life and upbringing in it. Remember, this is a film that’s set in Minnesota in 1967, so it couldn’t be any farther from my own life. Instead, Wish I Was Here relies on the Wise Rabbi trope too heavily. Plus, there is a scene where Aidan reads a poem that he claims was his mother’s favorite. It is an excerpt from T.S. Eliot’s Prufrock. Besides being a brilliant poet, Eliot was also an infamous anti-Semite. If you’ve ever had Jewish parents before, then you’ll know that any artist with at least the slightest whiff of Jew-hatin’ is not to be forgiven (mainly Mel Gibson).

The point is that Wish I Was Here is nowhere near as authentic as it claims to be. After his daughter shaves off her own hair, Aidan takes her to buy a wig that’s “unique and amazing like you.” He never, you know, talks to the kid and tells her it’s not the end of the world. Instead, she’s treated like some kind of circus freak just because she decided to shave her hair off. The only person here who seems to have a real reaction to anything is Mandy Patinkin, who truly sells every single line he is given. Josh Gad is also a scene stealer here. And poor Kate Hudson. She deserves a comeback where she doesn’t have to repeat the phrase “half-boner” as much as she does here.

I found myself yelling “shut up!” at the screen multiple times. Braff expects us to be moved just because there is sickness and just because there is triumph of the human spirit. You don’t have to force it so much, especially when Mandy Patinkin could have just worn a bunch of wigs and played every single character. Wish I Was Here has a few, truly nice laughs, and a few emotional payoffs that work but overall, it feels like emotional manipulation gone awry. Just when you think it has come to an original revelation, it contains an ocean metaphor. Wish I Was Here could have been a lot smarter if it didn’t think its audience was so dumb.

Brain Farts From The Edge

• Seriously, that’s the best B-story you could get? A sexual harassment case that never elevates? Like I said, Kate Hudson deserves a better comeback.
• It seems like Leslie David Baker (a.k.a. Stanley Hudson from The Office) is doomed to tiny cameos for the rest of his life. Bummer.
• If you’re Quentin Tarantino or Armando Iannucci, swearing can be an art form.
• I could see Sam Rockwell in Braff’s role.
• Speaking of Sam Rockwell, remember that part in Seven Psychopaths where he tells Colin Farrell that his screenplay should abandon the story and all the characters just go to the desert and chill? And then that happens in the movie of Seven Psychopaths and it’s a disaster because a movie can’t end that way? Well, that same thing happens in Wish I Was Here. Sudden, contemplative Joshua Tree retreats don’t work, bro.
• That part with the jar of contact lenses? I like you, Zach Braff, but when did your writing devolve to eighth grade visual metaphors?
• One last thing: I don’t care what any of you say, I’m going to continue loving Garden State. I haven’t watched it in a while, but I hope it holds up.
• Credit where credit is due: Braff attempted to take a complicated idea and pushed it into the mainstream. It is a creative risk for sure. I guess America just isn’t ready for Rabbis on segways.

Never thought J.K. Simmons could look this scary. Image via Sundance Film Guide

Unfortunately, I did not get to attend the Sundance Film Festival this year. This is tough, because if you’ve been to it once, then you just want to go again and again.

While I couldn’t be there in person, that doesn’t mean that I couldn’t follow all of the action vicariously. Guys, the Internet is a wonderful thing.

Through descriptions and reviews of all of the films that were screened at the Festival, I was able to compile a list of this year’s entries that I want to see the most. Who knows, maybe one of these could be the next “Reservoir Dogs” or “Clerks.” Whatever happens, at least one of (if not all) of these films will have a character who either plays ukelele or looks really sad while taking a shower.

Read the list below:

Boyhood

In order to understand the film, the behind-the-scenes of “Boyhood” is crucial to know: director Richard Linklater filmed it in bits and pieces over a 12 year period in order to accurately capture the aging of the lead child character. This idea is so interesting and ambitious and proves that Linklater is secretly one of America’s most innovative filmmakers. Remember, this is the same dude that also directed “Dazed & Confused,” “School of Rock,” and “Bernie.” Linklater refuses to stick to the same style and formula, which is why I love his films so much.

Image via Sundance Film Guide

Nymphomaniac: Volume I

I have yet to see a single Lars von Trier film (oops), but that doesn’t make me any less excited for “Nymphomaniac,” which was the surprise secret screening at the Festival. “Nymphomaniac” is an epic about sex addiction. If that doesn’t sound indulgent enough, then you should also know that the film had to be split in two, as the original cut is over four hours long. This is what we get for complaining about the length of “The Wolf of Wall Street.” For now, I will see “Nymphomaniac” partly out of pure curiosity, and partly because I never imagined that Shia LaBeouf and Uma Thurman would star together in a Danish sex comedy. Yes, I’ll watch “Melancholia” soon, so please stop asking.

Note: I am pretty sure that any photo, poster, or clip that I put up for this film will offend someone or get me in serious trouble. Go look it up at your own risk. 

The Skeleton Twins

I try not to be pulled in to films by star power alone. However, I will make an exception to this rule when the stars in question happen to be Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig. The pair of “Saturday Night Live” alums star in “The Skeleton Twins” as a pair of estranged twins who reunite. The two of them are so good at playing silly, so this will be the first time they really get to play serious (they were both in “Adventureland” together though, albeit as comic relief). The two of them should be great in dramatic roles, just don’t join the dark side for good, guys.

Doing a great impression of “melancholy white people” Image via Sundance Film Guide

Whiplash

“Whiplash” was one of the most highly buzzed about films at the Festival.  J.K. Simmons continues to be an underrated character actor, while Miles Teller is just about on his way to huge stardom, as long as he never stars in anything like “That Awkward Moment” ever again. Once again, I try not to be fully convinced by star power alone, but “Whiplash” had me at “J.K. Simmons yells and curses at Miles Teller a lot.”

Image via Sundance Film Guide

Wish I Was Here

“Wish I Was Here” garnered a strong love it or hate it reaction from Sundance crowds, and I’m not sure if that’s because of the film itself, or because Zach Braff is a fairly divisive figure. I am excited to see Braff’s long awaited Kickstarter-funded directorial follow up to “Garden State.” While it seems fairly uncool to like “Garden State” anymore, it is important to remember that most of the annoying indie tropes associated with the film were original at the time that it came out. Therefore, it is the imitators, as opposed to the inventors, who deserve more of the blame here.* Anyway, if a film caused this much debate at Sundance, then there must be something interesting about it. Hopefully, this could also serve as a comeback for Kate Hudson, who deserves better roles after years stuck in rom-com hell. Also, I am required to end this paragraph by saying that this film also stars Mandy Patinkin.

Image via Sundance Film Guide

*But that whole “two people connect while listening to The Shins” thing? That’s all on you, Braff.

Films I Would See Based On Their Titles Alone: Afronauts, Dear White People