Pictured: Rex Reed’s headshot. Image via New York Times
Rex Reed is like the movie critic equivalent of GamerGate: the less you know about it, the happier you will be.
Against all odds, Rex Reed has had a long, fabled career as the film critic at the New York Observer. During his tenure, Reed used his review of Oldboy to insult the entire nation of South Korea, and then used multiple reviews to make fun of Melissa McCarthy’s weight. A lot of film critics can barely get by. Reed lives in The Dakota. I hope he gets haunted by the ghost of Rosemary’s baby on a regular basis.
The only possible reason he still gets work is because controversy gets clicks. You should check out one of his reviews sometime. Actually, don’t do that. Instead, I will read one of his reviews, so you don’t have to, and break it down. I will now be the first person to review Rex Reed’s reviews. Please, help me turn this into a living. I want to earn enough money so I can buy Rex Reed’s place in The Dakota.
Let’s begin with this never ending journey Reed’s review of Birdman:
March to the beat of your own drum. Image via Entertainment Weekly
Let’s start this review with a new spin on a classic joke:
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Get a cymbal thrown at your head first.
Just in case you were getting sick of watching people in movies succeed without actually putting much work in, Whiplash offers a solution. That solution, of course, is to watch somebody drum until their hands bleed and blister.
Whiplash has been buzzed about ever since it debuted at Sundance this past winter. It both lives up to and exceeds the hype. It is a film that manages to be both insult comedy and horror at the same time. While the horror part might seem like a stretch, I do feel afraid to listen to jazz now.
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Oh wait…it actually is a bird. Image via Indiewire
“This place smells like balls…how did we get here?”
If you were going into Birdman expecting to find the beginning of the next big franchise, then you might want to look elsewhere.
Birdman might be the strangest film of 2014. It is also one of the most ambitious; one that is chock full of ideas. A lot of it hits, and when it misses, it really couldn’t give a shit if you liked it or not. Birdman is the other big gimmick film of 2014 (the other being Boyhood). It needs the gimmick to survive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The gimmick in question, a never ending tracking shot, helps the film transcend its concept, which is actually pretty great to begin with.
Sugar and spice and everything we both want each other dead. Image via New York Daily News
Taking somebody out on a date to the movies is a tradition as old as love itself. Or, I guess whenever the first Nickelodeon opened up.
Gone Girl is still on my mind, and it will be for some time. This twisted tale of toxic love would probably make an awkward date movie [Full disclosure: I did not see this on the date]. People have even written about this in depth.
This inspired me to go back and think about movies that could ruin a budding romance. These movies might make you feel uncomfortable, or, you know, doubting that any relationship could ever work. Here is a list of the the ten worst movies to ever watch on a date.
Note: These are not bad movies (okay, one of them is), they just aren’t ideal to watch on a date. Also, some minor spoilers ahead.
Tyler Perry actually plays every single character in this film. Image via The Daily Beast
In an odd twist of fate, Tyler Perry, known best for donning drag and putting his name all over everything, is one of the stars of Gone Girl.
Now, I wouldn’t say that I dislike Tyler Perry’s work, I will just say that it is not for me. I will say, though, that I have always had a lot of respect for him. Anybody who refuses to take the traditional Hollywood route and instead builds a production empire in Atlanta deserves some praise for originality. To top it all off, he is fantastic in Gone Girl as an expert criminal defense lawyer. He delivers legal jargon in a way that is both entertaining and even kind of funny. He’s the kind of guy who will tell you exactly when you’r being an idiot. I sense an Oscar nomination on the horizon.
This is one of Tyler Perry’s only Hollywood roles (he also has a cameo in Star Trek). This got me thinking as to what would have happened if David Fincher surrendered some creative control to Mr. Perry. Here is a list of possible titles that we could have seen had Gone Girl been an actual Tyler Perry movie (Note: this list contains SPOILERS for Gone Girl…so if you haven’t seen it yet, you’ve been warned):
Did you skip this intro? Because SPOILER ALERT starting right now.
How does one review a film in which describing any single action from it has the potential to ruin the whole story? Easy, we start with a joke:
“The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Gone Girl is basically what would happen if a Henny Youngman joke was turned into a psychological thriller. With its opening frame, it promises to crack this marriage thing open once and for all and boy, does it deliver on that promise.