Reviewing Rex Reed’s Reviews: Gone Girl


Pictured: Rex Reed’s headshot. Image via New York Times

Against all odds, Rex Reed has had a long, fabled career as the film critic at the New York Observer. During his tenure, Reed used his review of Oldboy to insult the entire nation of South Korea, and then used multiple reviews to make fun of Melissa McCarthy’s weight. A lot of film critics can barely get by. Reed lives in The Dakota. I hope he gets haunted by the ghost of Rosemary’s baby on a regular basis.

The only possible reason he still gets work is because controversy gets clicks. You should check out one of his reviews sometime. Actually, don’t do that. Instead, I will read one of his reviews, so you don’t have to, and break it down. I will now be the first person to review Rex Reed’s reviews. Please, help me turn this into a living. I want to earn enough money so I can buy Rex Reed’s place in The Dakota.

For the second installment of this series, let’s talk about how Rex Reed talks about Gone Girl:

Preposterous, illogical, senselessly over-plotted and artificial as a ceramic artichoke…

I just love the comparison he uses here. What world does Rex Reed live in where “ceramic artichoke” is a common reference that anybody would understand?

At one point, I turned to the woman next to me—a distinguished lady film critic—and asked, “Does any of this make sense to you?” “Not a word of it,” she replied.

BREAKING NEWS: Rex Reed has just confessed to be an obnoxious, unprofessional piece of human garbage. More on this story as it unfolds.

…a distinguished lady film critic…

I don’t even want to know what his thoughts on GamerGate are.

The dialogue is so laughable it borders on Saturday Night Live parody.

“What’s a humorous thing that the kids these days like? I want to throw in a random example that this movie has nothing to do with!”

…Nick Dunne (a name that starts the whole thing off on a laughable note for starters; could it be that the author never heard of Dominick Dunne, always called “Nick”?)…

Two people have the same name? Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? #Illuminati

Neil Patrick Harris, playing against type, is a toxic all-American red herring.

Hey Rex, I’m glad that you finally get to put your high school English education to good use!

I hated his Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but I usually like the negativity in the dark, clammy subterranean ozone where Mr. Fincher bases his creepiest films (Se7enFight Club and the uniquely original Curious Case of Benjamin Button).

According to Rex Reed, Benjamin Button, which was basically a Forrest Gump ripoff, is “uniquely original.” I HATE YOU, REX REED.