Reviewing Rex Reed’s Reviews: The Grand Budapest Hotel


Pictured: Rex Reed’s headshot. Image via New York Times

Against all odds, Rex Reed has had a long, fabled career as the film critic at the New York Observer. During his tenure, Reed used his review of Oldboy to insult the entire nation of South Korea, and then used multiple reviews to make fun of Melissa McCarthy’s weight. A lot of film critics can barely get by. Reed lives in The Dakota. I hope he gets haunted by the ghost of Rosemary’s baby on a regular basis.

The only possible reason he still gets work is because controversy gets clicks. You should check out one of his reviews sometime. Actually, don’t do that. Instead, I will read one of his reviews, so you don’t have to, and break it down. I will now be the first person to review Rex Reed’s reviews. Please, help me turn this into a living. I want to earn enough money so I can buy Rex Reed’s place in The Dakota.

For the second installment of this series, let’s talk about how Rex Reed talks about The Grand Budapest Hotel:

Well, it turns out Reed actually likes The Grand Budapest Hotel. I also like The Grand Budapest Hotel. It is how he likes it, and how he writes about, that is truly bizarre. It is less about how he spoils major details and more about how he compares everything to different types of fruit.

“…the deluded director of such brainless fruit salads as The Royal Tenenbaums, The Darjeeling Limited, Moonrise Kingdom…”

Somehow, even when I agree with Rex Reed, he manages to piss me off. Sure, there are plenty of reasons to hate Wes Anderson, but accusing him of being brainless just doesn’t seem right. Also, that’s a good fruit salad burn. Fruit salad is the lowest of the salads, given that it doesn’t contain any meat in it.

“…The Grand Budapest Hotel is like one of those scrumptious lavender Louis Sherry candy boxes from the turn of the century you sometimes see at art shows and memorabilia auctions.”

Does Rex Reed watch movies…or eat them?

“…from the crimson carpets and pomegranate wall tapestries…”

I thought that this was the second time that Rex Reed compared a film to a pomegranate. It turns out the other example I was thinking of was an artichoke. In other news, I still don’t know the difference between an artichoke and a pomegranate.

“…Tilda Swinton, looking like a cross between Miss Havisham in Great Expectations and Abraham Lincoln in drag, buried by a pound of Max Factor…”


“…you forget it’s all taking place against a background of rising Hitlerism and postwar communism…”

I just looked it up; Hitlerism is a real word. Back in my day, we just called it “being an asshole.”

“He keeps everybody smiling, ignoring the encroaching darkness lurking under the marzipan.”

Fine, I will give Rex some credit for this one. He actually does accurately describe what this film is really about. However, I can’t hear the word “marzipan” without thinking of somebody who’s worldview hasn’t changed since the 1940s, which also happens to perfectly sum up Rex Reed.