“Take the Oscar decorations down from the tree,” Joe said to his son Timmy, “also, why are you decorating our lawn for an awards show?”

And now that the Oscars are over, we must face the reality of February and the six more weeks of winter that moron groundhog gave us. Look, I know that in the grand scheme of things, the Oscars are pointless. But you know what else is? The Super Bowl. Yet, nobody is ever criticized for caring too much about the score of the game. The Oscars give us something to laugh at, something to yell at, but most importantly, it gives us something to bond with other people over.

Last night’s ceremony was one of the worst in recent memory. It was bloated and overlong. Yet, I can’t argue with some of the winners, and that “some” is more than most years. However, I would love to teach voters what “screenplay” and “writing” mean. Anyway, a lot of people are angry that Boyhood didn’t win Best Picture, and rightfully so. However, just keep in mind that winning an Oscar is sometimes the worst thing for a film’s legacy. But hey, in terms of films it could have lost to, Birdman isn’t half bad.

Every show will include just as many highlights as outrages. So here are the things I liked, the things I didn’t like, and the things I’m not sure about from last night’s ceremony:

I Liked Some Things

Everything Is Awesome: Much like The Lego Movie itself, this musical number blew all my expectations out of the water. This was like watching a really giddy acid trip come to life. Legos sang. A dude in a cowboy hat carried a dead dog around. Andy Samberg was on the freaking Oscar stage. It was wildly fun, imaginative, and the kind of untamed, uncynical mess that the Academy Awards could use a lot more of.

Julianne Moore: This feels so just, and so earned. A lot of Oscars are given to honor an entire body of work, and you can point to every part of her career where an Oscar should have been.

Graham Moore (a.k.a. More Moore): Yes, I really wanted Whiplash to win this. I thought The Imitation Game script was the weakest part of an otherwise solid film. However, Graham Moore’s acceptance speech was genuine and sweet. I hope some kid in North Dakota heard him say “stay weird” and immediately hopped in a u-haul and headed towards Portland.

John Travolta: I have no idea what happened to the awesomely suave dude from Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction. Watching his alien robot wiring malfunction two years in a row has been the most spectacularly strange spectacle to witness. It embodies the other reason people watch the Oscars: to see a possible live trainwreck in action. Watching him grab Idina Menzel’s face was like watching Oh Dae-su grab that girl’s face for the first time after being deprived of human contact for years in Oldboy. What I am trying to say is that either John Travolta has a murderous streak in him, or he is an alien trying to learn our secrets.

I Didn’t Like Some Things

The Jokes: Maybe it is time to let Bruce Vilanch go? I don’t know, all I am saying is that maybe it isn’t the best idea to give an award to a film about Edward Snowden, and then call him a traitor. Maybe don’t ever say things you will later regret? YouTube exists. These things will live on forever.

Clips: Somebody please do an investigation into who finds the Oscar clips. They spoiled key scenes in Gone Girl and Wild. Another showed Benedict Cumberbatch shouting, “Heil Hitler!”

Eddie Redmayne: Eddie Redmayne is a charming fellow who gave a nice speech. However, I still hold firm to my belief that his performance was a variation of Simple Jack. No disrespect, Mr. Hawking.

The Sound of Music Musical Number: What do you do when your show is already running a half hour overtime? Throw in a musical tribute to a 50 year old film that nobody asked for! To be fair, good job Lady Gaga.

J.K. Simmons: Thanks for getting us in hot water with all our parents, dude.

I Don’t Know How To Feel About These Things!

Neil Patrick Harris: When it was announced that NPH would be hosting this year’s Oscars, it seemed like a no brainer. After all, this guy knows nothing but breathing and hosting. However, his performance tonight was off. I am not sure if it was because the jokes were pretty terrible, or if he seemed a bit too mean-spirited for somebody who usually seems so nice. Having said that, hosting an awards show is a thankless job. You’re steering a ship that everybody wishes would crash. Take what I am saying with a grain of salt; this opinion is coming from a kid who thought Seth MacFarlane was a good host.

Birdman Wins Best Picture: Just a few months ago, critics and audiences alike were getting ready to build a golden statue of Michael Keaton. Then, word spread that Birdman was an Oscar frontrunner and suddenly, people decided to let all of their negative opinions out now. The timing seems a little weird. Where were you all months ago to facilitate a balanced and nuanced conversation?

Anyway, I liked Birdman a lot. Boyhood  was extraordinary. My favorite film of the year was Whiplash but depending on the day, I might have said Boyhood or Birdman instead. But now that Birdman sits on the throne, it must endure the worst nitpicking. Sure, it might not have been the best choice this year (like I said, Whiplash was my favorite but Boyhood made the most sense as an Oscar winner), but it was still an interesting choice. This was a film that at least tried and succeeded at challenging the status quo. It had weird drama and even weirder comedy. Sure, it was a film about show business (Broadway, not Hollywood), but the Academy rarely honors interesting films. I know we are all upset that Richard Linklater can’t go back to Austin with a hunk of gold, take comfort in the fact that Birdman‘s win might actually encourage voters to make bolder choices.

Image via Hitfix

The statement “while I do not agree with some of the nominations, I am happy about most of them” could literally be said every single year. Time is a freaking flat circle.

There have already been a lot of complaints going around, mainly about the lack of Selma (my review and thoughts on that to come). With a strong presence of films like The Imitation Game and The Theory of Everything (NOTE: I haven’t seen either of these yet, so I am guessing here), this was a year made for Oscar movies rather than movies that actually deserved Oscars. However, the ambitious Boyhood and Birdman lead the pack. In order to finally get some Oscar love, Alejandro Inarritu had to finally stop making Oscar movies.

There are many deserving nominees this year. Here are a few I especially loved:

Emma Stone

It is hard to steal the spotlight in a film that is commanded by Michael Keaton and Edward Norton, but Emma Stone really proved her worth in Birdman. I never thought she was a bad actress, but I never knew she was this good. Birdman happens to be the kind of film that forces actors to be at the top of their game. Her monologue about being relevant still shakes me from time to time.

Everything Is Awesome

The Lego Movie‘s egregious snub for Best Animated Feature had everybody shouting, “everything is not awesome!” Weird, as this morning started off so well for the Lego Movie team: the first nomination announced was “Everything Is Awesome” for Best Original Song. This ode to being a square is one of the most joyous songs written this year. The best part was listening to a room full of crusty old Hollywood types gasp as J.J. Abrams announced this nomination.

Inherent Vice

Adapting Thomas Pynchon is not for the faint at heart, and Paul Thomas Anderson was certainly up for the task. Inherent Vice comes to no clear conclusions and strays so far from the three act structure that it sometimes feels more like a collection of stoned weirdos than an actual movie. By the way, that is a compliment.

Rosamund Pike

Well, at least the Academy made room for one terrifying sociopath.

Wes Anderson

The Grand Budapest Hotel is not my favorite Wes Anderson film (alas, I still loved it). However, a Best Director nomination for him has been a long overdue. Sure, it’s fun to crack jokes about his silly scarves and quirkiness, but let’s not forget that Anderson is by far one of the most original American directors working today and that The Grand Budapest Hotel had him going to some fantastically dark places. To celebrate, Wes Anderson grabbed a couple of burgers with Royal Tenenbaum and hit the cemetery.

Whiplash

Whiplash was my favorite film of the year, so by default I am happy about this. I honestly didn’t think it would make the Best Picture cut, despite some of the best reviews of the year. After all, this is basically a horror movie, and the Academy hates those. Whiplash is basically an anti-Oscar movie that sticks it to the those traditional tales of triumphing against all odds. Hey guys, the Oscars take risks sometimes.

“Does Lorelei Linklater look bored?” “No she’s not bored…that’s just the way her face looks…” Image via Yahoo

Tonight, I saw the best of the Globes, and the worst of the Globes.

I saw some truly deserving winners. I saw some truly headscratching ones, and others that were victims to genre confusion. That is an accurate way to describe about any awards show. However, there was something weird in the air at this year’s ceremony. It probably started when the entire audience couldn’t handle a Bill Cosby joke. But most likely, it was because I felt like I was being judged the entire time by Amal Clooney, who is clearly smarter and more accomplished than I will ever be in my entire life.

I hope you have all recovered from my Pulitizer Prize winning Golden Globes Drinking Game and are ready for the highlight reel. I have decided to put the show together in a neat little package, going through the things I liked and didn’t like about the show. Overall, I don’t really know what to say about a show that leaves Whiplash and Valerie Cherish off the shortlist, but here we go:

What I Liked

Patricia Arquette What a wonderful lady. What an amazing performance in Boyhood. What a deserved win. She is what every Manic Pixie Dreamgirl should be.

George Clooney Clooney is one of the last movie stars out there, which is what people say about every movie star. Clooney received the Lifetime Achievement Award and despite the fact that he is neither dead nor in diapers, he has achieved so much. On top of his great speech was a highlight reel that showed the diverse range of roles throughout his careers. But the most important part of it all: his involvement in South Park.

Fargo It is great to see that this tremendous new show got love where the Emmys missed out. Noah Hawley’s words about kindness were by far one of the most genuine speeches of the night.

Jeffrey Tambor I still have not watched Transparent, but I cannot say enough kind words about Jeffrey Tambor. Seriously, somebody who has had as good a career as he has does not need to be this humble. He is like the kind, wise old man that you would go talk to after you had enough of your own grandparents.

The Grand Budapest Hotel So I was rooting really hard for Birdman, but The Grand Budapest Hotel is not a bad spoiler. Plus, we got to see Wes Anderson wear a crooked bowtie and then give a speech that shows that he is aware of how weird you think he is.

What I Didn’t Like

Those Entrances Winners ran up to the stage through this weird, secret passage that resembled the Aztec Tomb. The extra time it took to shoot each one of them confusedly stumbling through it is probably the main reason that the show ran long.

Politics Schmolitics Trans rights. Civil rights. Je Suis Charlie. These are all important topics that deserve exposure, and a platform like this is a perfect place for it. However, once you have Jared Leto preaching peace in Europe, then you know you have a problem. By the end of the night, the ceremony sort of felt like a smug version of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

The Lego Movie While I have not seen How to Train Your Dragon 2, I will stand next to The Lego Movie until I am too tired to stand and have to sit down and check my phone once more.

Terrible Chemistry Let’s stop with the random presenter pairs, which were probably made via drunken sorting hat. I never want to have to endure another moment of Jeremy Renner (a fine actor who also happens to look like a loaf of Wonder Bread) talking about JLo’s boobs. This is a real sentence I just typed.

Hollywood’s Reaction to Bill Cosby Jokes Tina & Amy had a few good lines at the expense of America’s creepiest former father figure. The lines were expectadly met with gasps and groans. Let’s not treat it like the two of them were taking a risk and going there with these jokes. It is just more proof that people who attend awards show like the Golden Globes probably have a bespectacled twentysomething check social media for them. PS Hire me!

What I Feel Indifferent About

The Affair As much as I wish that I could rip on The Affair, I have not watched it yet. I have heard some good things about it, but this might be the Brooklyn Nine-Nine of the year: honored before it really hits its stride (by the way Brooklyn Nine-Nine was snubbed this year). Even your mom is upset that The Affair won Best Drama, and it is on Showtime. Showtime is HBO for parents.

Prince Prince is great, but I guess I grew up in the wrong time so I don’t revere him like a god. Therefore, I am just as confused as I am fascinated by the fact that he can get away with getting a category name wrong (he referred to Best Song as Best Score) while making the Blue Steel face. Seriously, is his face stuck on Blue Steel?

Tina & Amy Fey and Poehler are goddesses. Sadly, this is their last year hosting the Globes. However, their lack of screen time gave me an overall meh vibe and–[gets blindfolded and wakes up in Gulag]

I nominate Julie Klausner and Billy Eichner as next year’s hosts.

Disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with celebrities getting behind political causes. Just remember, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it and for some reason, Jared Leto seems to think he’s a modern Christ figure. Christ figures are for high school English class, Leto.

In this week’s episode, Tom Hanks Expert Ryan Little joins me to talk about the trailers for The Force Awakens and Jurassic World, amongst many other things. Plus, we try and figure out who should write and perform the next James Bond theme song.

Don’t forget to subscribe on iTunes. You can download all older episodes there as well. Keep it reel.

Pictured: Rex Reed’s headshot. Image via New York Times

Rex Reed is like the movie critic equivalent of GamerGate: the less you know about it, the happier you will be.

Against all odds, Rex Reed has had a long, fabled career as the film critic at the New York Observer. During his tenure, Reed used his review of Oldboy to insult the entire nation of South Korea, and then used multiple reviews to make fun of Melissa McCarthy’s weight. A lot of film critics can barely get by. Reed lives in The Dakota. I hope he gets haunted by the ghost of Rosemary’s baby on a regular basis.

The only possible reason he still gets work is because controversy gets clicks. You should check out one of his reviews sometime. Actually, don’t do that. Instead, I will read one of his reviews, so you don’t have to, and break it down. I will now be the first person to review Rex Reed’s reviews. Please, help me turn this into a living. I want to earn enough money so I can buy Rex Reed’s place in The Dakota.

Let’s begin with this never ending journey Reed’s review of Birdman:

An unrecognizable Michael Keaton seems to have aged 40 years since the last time he appeared on the screen…

Guys, did you know that Michael Keaton has gotten older? Did you know that humans age as time progresses? Did you know that actors sometimes use makeup and wigs so they can look different when they play a character? And yes, he does look 40 years older since the last time he appeared on screen, which was actually this past March in Need for Speed. I am assuming that Rex Reed doesn’t realize that Michael Keaton has been in movies since Batman.

Mr. Keaton once played Batman, so maybe he’s perfect for the role of Riggan Thomson…

CONGRATULATIONS YOU’RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO REALIZED THIS.

His comeback is sabotaged by roadblocks from the get-go, but the night before the first preview, his male co-star drops out after being knocked unconscious by a mysterious flying object and another demented Hollywood refugee from the set of Bates Motel (Edward Norton, in the most embarrassing role of his checkered career) takes over the role.

I don’t care so much about the fact that he spoils a pretty big plot point. I will even forgive him for his Ed Norton diss. I will get irrationally mad at him, though, for his Bates Motel comment. I’ve only seen three episodes of the show so I can’t stand up for it. I just don’t know what ol’ Rex is trying to say here. Is it a good show? Is it a bad show? Like with everything he discusses, I doubt he has actually seen it; he just took a cursory glance at the press release.

…from the Hills of Beverly.

“Hey, maybe if I rearrange some words people will think that I’m smart!”

Naomi Watts, who is making more movies these days than James Franco, and not always the right ones

Naomi Watts has been in two movies this year and one episode of Bojack Horseman. It’s not even worth counting how many things James Franco does anymore. I assume he’s currently working on an art installation at the bottom of La Brea Tar Pits while simultaneously directing an adaptation of Moby Dick that’s set in Paris in the 1930s.

Never have I seen a group of actors who look more collectively like they’ve dropped into the middle of the Mojave Desert in the middle of August wearing nothing but their underwear.

So…are you saying that there are months of the year where it is okay to be dropped into the middle of the Mojave Desert in nothing but your underwear? Because I was planning a trip in April.

It’s supposed to be a comedy, but Birdman is directed by the usually brilliant Alejandro González Iñárritu (Babel), who knows nothing about the subject.

I totally see what Rexy is getting at here. Because a director has only made films in one genre, that means he can never try anything new. People should never try things that they don’t know anything about! By that standard, Rex Reed should not be allowed to write about movies.

The silliest character of all is an evil dill pickle of a critic…

Whatever. Screw it, man. I give up. I’m just going to give up writing and apply to law school. Or medical school. Whichever one boosts my JSwipe profile the most. 

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Oh wait…it actually is a bird. Image via Indiewire

“This place smells like balls…how did we get here?”

If you were going into Birdman expecting to find the beginning of the next big franchise, then you might want to look elsewhere.

Birdman might be the strangest film of 2014. It is also one of the most ambitious; one that is chock full of ideas. A lot of it hits, and when it misses, it really couldn’t give a shit if you liked it or not. Birdman is the other big gimmick film of 2014 (the other being Boyhood). It needs the gimmick to survive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The gimmick in question, a never ending tracking shot, helps the film transcend its concept, which is actually pretty great to begin with.

In Birdman, Michael Keaton plays a washed up actor named Riggan Thomson who was once famous for playing a beloved superhero. Sound familiar? Riggan now plans a big comeback by taking on an unconventional role. Still sound familiar? If it doesn’t at this point, then time to search “Michael Keaton” on IMDB. Anyway, Riggan’s dream role is to star in a Raymond Carver play. This could be a reality if the insane people he works with could step back a little. Come to think of, Riggan might be able to sabotage his own comeback before anybody else even gets the chance.

As the artist formerly known as Birdman, Keaton is as much of a revelation as you could imagine. He plays so many different roles in this film, and sometimes all at once. We are expected to sympathize with a man who is vain and possibly insane. And it completely works. Great actors like Keaton just have a charisma that is hard to look away from. His work here could even top the McConaissance and the Affleck Reemergence because of how intensely personal it seems to be. I can imagine that every actor who once starred in a blockbuster hears money screaming into their ears every time they try to do something different.

Keaton’s performance, which may be very close to his own life, is just one piece of this film’s hyper reality puzzle. Birdman feels like Black Swan, in that it is also about the dangers of going too far down the authenticity rabbit hole. Sure, it is good to make your art feel real. But even when we look for art that is realistic, we still hope for some element of escape. We want art to feel real so that we can relate to it, not necessarily so that we can live inside of it.

I admit, that last paragraph sounded ridiculously abstract. Birdman, which, I should note, is actually called Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance), forces you to think that way. This is the kind of film that uses a cocktail napkin to show that mankind is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. This is also the kind of film where Michael Keaton runs through Times Square in his underwear and Edward Norton gets a boner onstage as a result of his ridiculous commitment to performance. At its essence, Birdman is about the war between art and commerce, and the film brilliantly employs the best of high and low culture. At one point, Emma Stone emotionally tells her father that nobody cares about him. At another, Edward Norton asks Naomi Watts to play with his balls. His words, not mine.

The greatest joy of Birdman is seeing director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu embrace absurdity after years of gut-wrenching dramatic work such as Babel and Amores Perros. Birdman is the best Hollywood farce since Bowfinger. Inarritu’s sprawling ensemble pieces all seem to be leading up to Birdman. The chaotic continuous take that encompasses the film perfectly puts us into the shoes of somebody living the show biz life. It is a lot less of people tap dancing and singing “there’s no business like show business!” than I imagined.

Again, Birdman may be the strangest film of 2014. That is probably the highest compliment that I could pay it. It subverts the comeback/underdog story in a way that truly needed to be done. I could a bunch of more cliches and tell you that Birdman is “explosive,” or I could just end this by saying that it’s one of the best films of the year.

Brain Farts From The Edge

• If you hadn’t respected Emma Stone as an actress, then now is a good time to start. She delivers an incredible monologue that is absolutely devastating.
• Keaton is probably an Oscar frontrunner right now, but everybody else in the cast should be considered, too. Especially Stone and Norton.
• The trailer made a great use of Gnarls Barkley. Unfortunately, “Crazy” doesn’t make it into the film. The cymbal bashing soundtrack isn’t bad, though.
• However, I do wish that this was on the soundtrack.
• What’s harder to spell: Galifianakis or Inarritu. Well, I can now spell “Galifianakis” without Googling his name first…
• Watching the technical achievement of Birdman makes me remember how hard it really is to make a movie.
• Critics: We’re not all bad.
• MAJOR SPOILER ALERT: If you have seen Birdman, I’d like to discuss my interpretation of the ending. Okay, here we go. On opening night, Riggan uses a real gun and shoots himself in the face. Miraculously, he survives. You would think that after this event, somebody would send him to a therapist. Instead, he is rewarded with a new nose, new fans, and a revitalized career. To me, this ending carries a Taxi Driver-type irony: an insane man is rewarded for bad behavior thanks to the media. Unlike Travis Bickle, Riggan seems like more of a threat to himself than others. In Birdman, Hollywood is a sad world filled with enablers. You can do anything you want, as long as it eventually lands you a book deal.