Please don’t kill any of these dogs please. Image via The Guardian

I have a particular soft spot for dogs. Maybe it’s because they are so cute and lovable, or maybe it’s because unlike humans, they can never lie to you or make racist comments at Thanksgiving. It is probably because of this that watching a dog die on film can be much harder than watching a human die. I don’t know, maybe I’m a sociopath.

Along comes White God, a film in which an army of abandoned and neglected dogs join together and get revenge on mankind. Did you hear that? THERE’S A DOG ARMY. An army of dogs. White God doesn’t come out until March, but I’m already counting down the days until it comes out. It’s probably the only exciting thing coming out next year.

What, are you telling me that The Avengers: Age of Ultron is going to have anything as cool as a dog army? Get out.

Dog in a horror movie? Never a good idea. Image via IGN

Unlike any other genre, except maybe for the romantic comedy, horror seems the most tied to its formula. I don’t mean that as an insult. There is a very particular way to be scared, and horror movies need to follow the formula to get the screams out. Then again, some of the best genre entries completely defied expectations.

This is partially what is so special about The Babadook: it is both completely new and very familiar. What makes The Babadook unique is that instead of stealing from the classics, it builds on them.

For a movie made on a tiny budget, Jennifer Kent’s first feature film sure does look good. Seriously, the other day NBC put on a live version of Peter Pan for some reason. It probably cost millions, yet you could see all the strings. The Babadook was partially funded on Kickstarter, yet it looks like the work of a major studio.

I don’t know much about Australian cinema (Crocodile Dundee doesn’t count), but The Babadook does everything it can to be more than just that Australian horror movie. It is a universal horror movie filled with universal fears. Are you afraid that somebody in your family might try to kill you? Good, so everybody else is as well. After many years, Amelia (Essie Davis) still can’t get over the death of her husband. Meanwhile, she is a single mother who must deal with her psychologically unstable son Sam (Noah Wiseman). One night, Amelia reads Sam a picture book that is actually rather scary. From there, the mysterious haunting of The Babadook begins.

Jennifer Kent could be on her way to becoming the Australian Tarantino. Like The Master himself, Kent wears her influences on her sleeves. At any given moment, The Babadook could be paying tribute to The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, or The Shining. Sam is like a Danny Torrance clone while Amelia is like Wendy Torrance with a damaged maternal instinct. All of the stock situations, from the shaking beds to the possessed children, are all the more unsettling given the film’s many surprises. All I will say is that Sam is not the only crazy one here. In fact, he might not be that crazy at all.

The best horror films are the ones that both shatter and question all sense of normality. The Babadook is not a film for the impatient, because it spends its sweet ass time building up to an eventual pay off. I like this, it’s like all the movies I love from the 1970s would do. This is partially about building up a sense of dread, but more about giving a clearer picture of the world that surrounds the characters. Amelia and Sam are outsiders, and they are considered freaks to everybody else in town. Yet, when compared with the housewives that all wear the exact same outfits and spurt out the exact same platitudes, they seem a hell of a lot more interesting.

And yes, the last half hour when all hell breaks loose is worth watching the first hour in which events unfold at a snail’s pace. I have a feeling that first chunk would improve significantly on a second viewing.

The Babadook is a great looking horror film from a director who obviously cares a lot about this genre. I guess I should also mention that Sam spends a lot of the film carrying around a homemade crossbow. This usually gets him into a lot of trouble. We never really know if he’s actually shooting at anything. Let’s keep it that way.

Well, you all demanded it (at least in my head you all did), so I delivered.

I decided that my smash hit piece on the most memorable dogs in film could not stand alone. Given that TV is going through some sort of Golden Age right now, I figure that the dogs of the small screen deserve just as much attention as the dogs on the silver screen.

So here is my list of the most memorable dogs on TV. And this time, there are no rules. Talking dogs and animated dogs rule! Anarchy! The Purge!

Judith Light, Broad City

Broad City has only been on for one season, but it already gets a dog on this list. Throughout the comedy’s first season, Lincoln (Hannibal Buress) seems to have a special soft spot for dogs, even though he can’t commit to getting one (“I can’t expose this dog to the crazy life of a dentist!”). So Ilana is walking a group of dogs and Lincoln names them all based on their personalities. He names one Dumb Face, and another one Judith Light, because this dog happens to resemble actress Judith Light. This dog is Hollywood royalty. In addition, this scene comes up with the best ever compliment you could give a dog: “I’d do it, I’d pick up your poop.” I hope this show gets renewed for a million seasons.

Porkchop, Doug

Porkchop was like Snoopy for the 1990s, except Porkchop loved hip hop and he didn’t sleep on top of his dog house like an idiot. I like Porkchop because he was basically a human save for the one thing that can make a person really shitty: the ability to talk. Porkchop loved food and TV just a little more than any dog did. Plus, he walked on his hind legs. Perhaps he was a dog-human hybrid, and he represented a scary stepping stone in the evolutionary chain. Just a step below that Rick and Morty episode.

Brian, Family Guy

While I have said many bad things about Family Guy and Seth MacFarlane in the past, leaving Brian off this list would be wrong. Like many other people, I too was once an eighth grader living under the influence of Family Guy. Brian differs from many other of TV’s anthropomorphic dogs in that he seems to prefer the company of humans to dogs. Plus he drinks and chain smokes like crazy. Brian defies the notion that dogs are nothing more than “dumb animals,” as he possesses the neurotic intellectual prowess of a furrier Alvie Singer.

Chauncey, Mad Men

Chauncey only appears in one episode of Mad Men, but this pooch is hard to forget. Duck gets his beloved dog Chauncey back from his ex-wife only to abandon it towards the end of the episode, in maybe one of the saddest moments in Mad Men history, because pandering. The search for Chauncey remains. I am confident one day Chauncey will return to save Sterling Cooper & Partners. Just you wait and see.

 Polly, Mad Men

Don purchased Polly (Note: coincidentally, there is an actress named Polly Draper) in season three, possibly as a way to feel less like a misfit in suburban hell (Note #2: Come on, Don, Ossining isn’t THAT bad). Polly seems to have disappeared after a while (probably with all of the other rejected Bobby Draper actors), but she played an important role in season one. She tried to eat their angry neighbors’ pigeon, which then prompted Betty Draper (January Jones) to do the best thing that she has done on the show to date.

Little Boo, Orange is the New Black

Even a place as brutal and unforgiving as prison has room for our fury four-legged friends. Little Boo is the only inmate in Litchfield (Hey that’s in Connecticut! That’s where I’m from!) that doesn’t join gangs or beat up crazy meth heads. Orange is the New Black is about just because you’re in jail, doesn’t mean you’re not a multidimensional person with a good side. In the evil spectrum of Litchfield, Vee ranks most evil, and Little Boo is least. Because Little Boo is a dog, you see.

Champion, Parks and Recreation

Okay, so a three-legged dog might be trying a little too hard to pull at everyone’s heartstrings. Yet, Champion is a perfect part of the parks department: another creature who was seemingly overlooked and now gets a second shot. But overall I CAN’T STOP CRYING I CAN’T STOP CRYING THE DOG HAS THREE LEGS.

Oodles the Talking Poodle, Rugrats

So Spike was the more recognizable dog on Rugrats, but he is nothing compared to Oodles. Why? Just read his name HE’S A TALKING POODLE. And he wears a cape. Oodles is one of those throwaway jokes that I probably didn’t pay much attention to when I used to watch this show, but it is so much funnier years down the road. I just like to think that in the world of Rugrats, there was some writer who wanted to top Lassie, so he gave a dog a cape and made it talk.

Doug, The Sarah Silverman Program

Sarah Silverman’s beloved dog Doug was played by Sarah Silverman’s real life, beloved dog Duck. The Sarah Silverman Program pushed the limits of taste, and Doug was always a culprit. In one episode, he ends up in doggie jail and in another, he marries Sarah. In real life, Duck was Sarah’s loyal companion and best friend. You can read her touching obituary of Duck after he died last year, if you feel like being an emotional wreck for the next few weeks or so.

Smuckers, Seinfeld

Kramer actually had a dog in the pilot episode (back when Kramer was also called Kessler). This dog disappeared and was never mentioned again. I cannot find any videos or photos of this scene on the internet, so I’m blaming that one on the canine illuminati. Anyway, that isn’t the last time we see Kramer with a dog. In another episode, he finds a dog, named Smuckers, who has the same incurable cough as him. So he takes Smuckers to the vet in order to get medicine. Sure, it is hilarious to see Michael Richards react to dog medication. However, I find Smuckers’ human-like cough even funnier. Also, Smuckers would never go on to shout racist things at a crowd. I don’t think dogs can be racist.

Santa’s Little Helper, The Simpsons

As the dog to one of America’s most dysfunctional families, Santa’s Little Helper sure has gone through a lot. While it is a bummer that SLH can’t talk like Brian or dance like Porkchop, he is notable as one of the more realistic animated dogs next to Ladybird from King of the Hill. Despite sometimes being a victim, The Simpsons were right in acknowledging that he’s way more fun to pet than a cat.

Image via The Next Reel

In a recent interview on Fresh Air, Joel and Ethan Coen said they would rather work with dogs than cats, because dogs “just want to please people” while cats “just want to please themselves.” Perhaps this is why dogs make the best supporting players, both in movies and real life.

Besides monkeys, dogs are probably the best movie characters to come out of the animal kingdom. Sure, they can’t read any dialogue, but sometimes they can steal the show with a well-timed reaction shot, or a ridiculous outfit. Get it? They are wearing clothes! Animals aren’t supposed to wear clothes! What a world!

Anyway, I thought it was about time that man’s favorite four-legged friend got some recognition, because they will never get to win an Academy Award. Before I present my list, here are some important ground rules:

1. No dead dogs! If Game of Thrones has taught me anything, it’s that all men must die, but that doesn’t mean you need to use a dead dog to make an audience cry. Sorry, Marley & Me, My Dog Skip, and Every Wes Anderson film. Seriously, I still don’t know why Wes Anderson likes killing dogs so much.

2. No animated dogs! These dogs must be reel and real. Sorry, Oliver & Company and All Dogs Go to Heaven.

3. There must be actual dogs in the movie. Sorry, Dog Day Afternoon and Reservoir Dogs.

Clearly, I put way too much thought into this. Anyway, here is my list of ten of cinema’s most memorable dogs:

Air Bud

It would be downright blasphemous to make a list of dog movies and not include Air Bud. Air Bud is a fairly ridiculous movie that is perfect for the whole family. While this dog can’t talk, he is really good at bopping his nose hard enough that it causes a basketball to go into a basket. This is a literal underdog story, and I bet you that is how it was pitched at the studio. Air Bud would later inspire countless spin-offs about a Golden Retriever playing a sport which somehow turned into a movie where a bunch of puppies go into outer space. Now, I have never done acid, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it contributed heavily in the writing of Space Buddies.

Anchorman

Baxter is a vital part of the absurd brilliance of Anchorman. Somehow, Ron can speak dog, but also the dog can bark in Spanish (and yes, I fully believe that Baxter can speak Spanish). The closest I will get to a dog death on this list is the moment that Baxter gets punted off the bridge by Jack Black. Luckily, Baxter lives another day to save Ron and the gang from a pack of vicious bears.

The Artist

I still think The Artist had no place winning Best Picture, but Jack Russell Terrier Uggie deserved all the praise he got. Some might say that Uggie became an even bigger star than anybody else in the film (okay, except for John Goodman). Uggie went to every Red Carpet dressed in a tuxedo, and it was hilarious every single time. Uggie even “wrote” an autobiography, because in America you get rewarded for doing nothing. Uggie only had 15 minutes of fame, but I’m sure that did not bother him at all. After all dogs have short attention spans.

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey

While Homeward Bound has two dogs and a cat, this one goes to the dogs. Shadow and Chance are a bit of an odd couple, but that is probably why they make the best of friends. I could not stop watching Homeward Bound as a kid, and that is probably because it tackled my emotional yearning to own a dog (that wouldn’t come until a few years later). Also, Homeward Bound does not get the credit it deserves for nailing the art (yes, I used that word) of the talking animal movie: don’t make their lips move, it’s creepy. Animals often communicate through body language anyway, so just letting the dogs be dogs and the voice serve as an internal monologue seems more natural. Plus, if you turn the sound off, Homeward Bound is just 90 minutes of animals staring at each other.

The Sandlot

With time, some works of pop culture are suddenly hailed as classics, just because they were a childhood staple. What many people don’t realize is that a lot of the crap we liked as kids is…well…crap. The Sandlot is an exception to this rule, because we will probably never see a family movie again that involves a kid sexually harassing a lifeguard. Anyway, this movie is centered around the legend of “The Beast,” who, in the end, spoiler alert, turns out to be a nice Mastiff named Hercules. I am not normally a Mastiff fan (they are giant slobber monsters), but I like this Hercules way more than any Hercules movie that has come out this year.

Serpico

This classic from Hollywood’s Second Golden Age would not normally be called “cuddly” or “adorable” by anybody. Yet, Serpico’s sheepdog shows our hero’s his literal soft side. He gets the dog early on in the film as a puppy, and as Serpico sacrifices every last bit of happiness he has in order to expose corruption in the New York Police Department, he loses everybody he loves. Yet, that shaggy sheep dog remains by his side.

There’s Something About Mary

I might have a few too many yippy little dogs on here, but this one dog defies the laws of nature. Unlike cats, dogs aren’t known for having nine lives. If you drop a dog, they will not land on all fours. This dog, however, is nearly indestructible. Well, he does wind up in a hilarious body cast after eating some pills that he should not have eaten. BONUS DOG: That huge Great Dane who steals Jeffrey Tambor’s script in one of the funniest, more subtle jokes in a comedy that is not known for its subtlety.

Wayne’s World

The old saying goes that people look like their dogs. Wayne’s World takes that statement literally, as Garth’s dog, who only makes a brief cameo, sports the same ridiculously 90s hairdo that he does. Like Ron Burgundy, Garth can also communicate with his dog, but a lot of barks get lost in translation. I cannot emphasize enough how much this scene made me laugh in third grade, and how much it still makes me laugh today.

Yojimbo

In one of the most chilling and iconic moments in Kurosawa’s samurai classic, a dog wanders across the street with a human hand in his mouth. Now, dogs will eat just about anything. I hope this dog got a pay rise (or at least extra treats, given that dogs have no use for money) for transferring this severed hand without eating it whole.

Zoolander

Comedy is partly about sharing the spotlight. If you’re in a pair, you can’t just be funny; you have to show the world why your partner is just as funny as you. If I were ever to get to choose an improv partner, then I would definitely go for Mugatu’s dog. That dog has no problem giving his comedy partner (I don’t know whether this dog is male or female, but I assume that all dogs are boys) Will Ferrell all of the spotlight, only to chime in every once in a while for a little whimper. Plus, this dog can brainwash and dress well. However, he needs to learn how to dodge eggs.