Tag Archives: Godzilla

Movie Review: Godzilla (2014)

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This was so boring that it actually made me fall asleep. Image via Screen Rant

Godzilla finally opens in theaters this weekend after months of hype and a few incredible trailers. The truth is, I have no idea if this is a Godzilla movie, or the idea of what a modern blockbuster should look like.

Godzilla is a character who does not need too much introduction, as he (her?) is now a part of international folk lore. While there is never a bad time for a giant Japanese monster to cause some chaos, Godzilla is a product of nuclear fallout, an issue that is maybe a little less scary and timely than it might have been during post-World War II or post-Chernobyl.

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The Biggest Movies of Summer 2014 According to Your Grandparents

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Your grandparents are here right now eating lunch. They have great pastrami on rye. Also, this place was on the Guy Fieri Program once.

Summer is fast approaching and you are just a few weeks away from being able to burn all of your textbooks for firewood.

You will probably have a lot of free time this summer, and a lot of that time might be spent seeing relatives that you haven’t seen in a while. Perhaps those people are your grandparents, who might be heading up north to escape Florida. The humidity is no good for them.

Everybody knows that nothing brings families together like a day at the movies. Everybody also knows that nobody gets a movie title wrong like your grandparents do. They happen to come up with some creative titles that usually make absolutely no sense at all. Yet, they are often more creative than anything that most writers could come up with. One time, my grandpa referred to The Lincoln Lawyer as The Cadillac Man. In my eyes, that is pure gold.

In honor of all of the grandparents out there who just want to spend the day at the picture house, I have decided to breach the gap between two generations by providing what I hope is an accurate translation guide to accompany the one I came up with for holiday movies. Here is a helpful guide to the big movies of the summer, according to your grandparents:

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Five Most Anticipated Summer Movies

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Round up the usual suspects! Image via Paste Magazine

Just like March, summer goes in like a lion (whatever giant franchise offering Disney has to offer in June) and out like a very wimpy lamb (whatever Paranormal Activity spin-off is lated for release in the last week of August).

It would be unfair to immediately dismiss this summer’s entire lineup just because it doesn’t contain many original ideas. For now, originality is dead in Hollywood. That is a well researched fact, just like the how dogs are better than cats and Jaden Smith is terrible at grammar. Instead of rejecting it, it is better for a cinephile’s psyche to find the silver linings.

While there will still be plenty of sequels, prequels, remakes, and adaptations this summer, some of the worst qualities of modern Hollywood are starting to go the way of the dinosaurs and M. Night Shyamalan. For instance, this summer will give us a few major blockbusters that don’t hit the three hour mark, as well as a worldview that is more fun than gritty. Gritty is for Oscar season. Summer is for fun. Smart fun, if that is in anyway possible.

Here are the five movies coming out in the summer of 2014 that I look forward to the most:

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